Wow. I can add my own Terms of Service. I have always wanted to do that. Prepare yourself for the greatest 50 page, tiny font, legalese packed terms of service you have ever read. I am way too lazy for 50 pages so let’s see what we can do with just one and I am not a huge fan of legalese so let’s leave that out as well. There are a bunch of websites that will generate generic terms of service for your own website for “free.” Of course none of them are actually free but they like to use that term in the same way Amazon Prime uses “guarantee” for your package delivery by a certain date. In other words, they use the word completely incorrectly and in direct opposition to its standard, normal, everyday usage. However, because everyone is so used to getting totally fucked over by big and small companies everyday they just shrug their shoulders and accept it. Oh well, what are you gonna do, you are just one person after all, I mean it’s Amazon they are a massive company with thousands of lawyers and a 100 page terms of service agreement with more legalese then a legal dictionary of legalese, how could you possibly stand a chance against them? The answer is you could not, and therefore you have no choice but to accept that you are fucked, get very angry, and then stuff that anger and range into a ball and bury it way down deep inside yourself only allowing it to come out when the opportunity to hurt someone you love very badly presents itself. When you have left the other person in tears you can say thank you Amazon Prime for ruining my marriage and destroying my life because of your “guarantee.”

I do not intend to do that and therefore my terms of service will be structured as contract in which I first list what I will deliver in the form of a guarantee but using the word guarantee in the way it is intended to be used by its standard definition. In other words I will deliver on my promise no matter what may happen be it illness, injury, weather, or even my own death. It does not matter if the event that happens is in my control or totally out of my control. I will still deliver on my promise and if I do not I will compensate for not delivering in equivalent value to what you lost by me breaking my promise.

I promise that I will continue to deliver interesting, informative, humorous, serious, useful, useless, stupid, boring, jaw dropping, pants dropping, unique, derivative, original, novel, cliched, overdone, underdone, content from now until the day I keel over from whatever thing it is that kills me. After my death I will continue to deliver content via the spirit realm or alternate universe(s) for as long as God, the Gods, and/or the Simulators will allow it or until I am reborn as something or other somewhere or other at sometime or other, whichever comes first.

In return for me delivering this content in such a dedicated and entertaining fashion you will be required to do nothing. Wait, what? That can’t be right. Can it? Yes, myself and you, you read that correctly, you are not required to do a damn thing. At least not legally required. From an ethical perspective it would probably be nice if you at least gave me a compliment every once in a while in a comment to something I wrote. Or, even better, if you would subscribe to my publication. That is also free by the way which is crazy given the amount of value it delivers. Of course, you can choose to pay for a subscription. I guarantee* I will always keep the subscription price as low as Substack will allow no matter how popular I get, and if the past ten years is any guide, I am going to be massive. Huge. Super popular. In any event it would be really nice if you would pay for a subscription because despite my future massive popularity, in the present, I am massively unpopular and massively broke. Anywho thanks for reading these terms of service and by the way you are not legally obligated by them since you read them all the way through to the end. If you stop now and do not read the last word you will not have any legal obligation but my guess is you can’t stop now, you won’t, you need to see how this is going to end. Remember though if you read the last word you are legally obligated by the terms herein. I can’t believe you stuck with it. Way to go. I am so proud of you. Congratulations now go get that interview! Or whatever thing it is you want to go get. Unless it is a gun to kill someone with. Don’t go get it if that is what you want to go get. Seriously, don’t do it.

*note guarantee is being used in the sense of Amazon delivery in this instance